Songs That Don’t Remind Me of Mr. Blunt.

Please click the title (above) to see the entire post.   This is actually more effective than clicking “Read the rest of this entry.”

“Reason Why” by Rachael Yamagata (click to listen while reading)

This heartfelt song describes a sad but self-honest parting between 2 people who want each other, but for whatever reason are simply not compatible.   When I listen to this song I think of various exes.   But I don’t think of Mr. Blunt.   And there’s a very good reason for this.

I never dated Mr. Blunt.

Who is he?   Years ago I made friends with one of the many charming alcoholics that graced my bar.   I was in the middle of a debilitatingly heartbreaking relationship, & he was already destroyed by a mystery female with whom he had parted a few years previously.   Fed up with guy friends who ended up making passes at me, I thought Mr. Blunt’s broken heart would be my insurance.   We would be the Broken Heart Buddies.

My heart was in the process of being slowly mashed into bits by a boyfriend I was completely in love with who kept leaving me & coming back, then leaving me & coming back.   Each successive break up broke me down a little more until the problem solving turned into a simple but utter lack of self worth.

Mr. Blunt’s broken heart situation, however, turned out to be a little odd.   “So, how long were you guys going out?” I asked him.   As it turned out, he & the mystery female were never going out.   He argued, passionately, that for all the years he’d sat on her bar he’d never had a tab.


The nature of our friendship changed within a month or two.   I realized, with horror, that he was interested in me.   It was a betrayal & I didn’t take it well.   Awkwardness ensued.   Things got too weird & I stopped hanging out, then stopped talking to him.

He got a girlfriend; several people told me I needed to meet her because we were so alike, especially musically.   When, after a significant period of no contact, I did end up talking to Mr. Blunt again (girlfriend=safe, I thought), I mentioned that I would like to meet his girlfriend sometime, since I heard she could sing.

I never met her.   At least, not through him.   They broke up a little later with horror stories on both sides.   I ended up 86ing Blunt from the bar I worked at due to multiple bad situations he created seemingly out of the thin air between his ears.   First, it was something as simple as whispering to my new boss that I hated him; a serious accusation from a bar customer.   Naturally my boss questioned me, but we cleared it up rationally & then I bitched Blunt out about it, then dropped it. 

Then, one day Blunt asked me if my roommate would be visiting the bar.   As roommates she & I had our ups & downs, & that day was one of the latter.   When I replied in the negative, Blunt asked why.   “Meh, we’re having a disagreement,” I said.   Later her close friend showed up, & Blunt took her aside to tell her that my roommate & I were having problems.   Knowing we had ups & downs, she pooh-poohed his declaration, & instead of taking the hint & backing off, Blunt became more insistent.   “No, they are!!” he cried.   “Lauren told me!!”   Seriously, that was all I needed to make my living situation more awkward than it already was.

Again.   I yelled at him.   “But I thought she was — you know — in the know,” he said.   As if he was “in the know.”   Craziness.

The final straw was when I found out that he had attempted to dissuade a mutual friend from having me meet his singer ex by implying that I didn’t like her.   After that I knew I didn’t need this in my life.   Real friendship doesn’t have anything to do with trying to destroy you.

I asked Blunt to stay away from me.   I wished him well, but at a distance.

A later, anticlimactic, remark Blunt made publicly on someone’s MySpace implying that the karaoke list I had painstakingly built & maintained at our bar was crap sparked a long, heated, & sometimes completely warped & nonsensical debate during which time I asked Blunt not to visit the bar when I was working there.   He apologized & we wished eachother well & whatnot, & then I received a forward of an email conversation he was having with a mutual friend wherein he was still pointing out ways I had wronged him, passionately trying to convince our mutual friend what “kind of person” I was.

So the next time we happened to be in the same room & he loudly said, “HI Lauren” because I was ignoring him, I told him to fuck off.

I’m a Taurus.   You don’t generally need to guess where you stand with me.

After that, there was a relatively long period of peace.   Then one night one of Blunt’s friends came into the bar.

“Guess what?” he said, chuckling.

“What?” I asked.   If he had said “Knock knock” I would have said “Who’s there?”

“You’re (Blunt)’s ex,” he said, & then laughed in my face as I stood there annoyed.

I thought it was a joke until I found out that Blunt’s singer ex-girlfriend & her friends had all been under the impression that I had dated him, & that in fact I was jealous of his then new relationship & against his new girlfriend.   Another one of my long-time regulars, who Blunt had befriended, became very upset with me when I expressed an adamant refusal to be around Blunt or have sympathy for his socially damaging errors, & then asked me to admit that I had slept with him.

Because he had been under the impression that we had slept with eachother.   And that was why I was being such an unfair, spiteful bitch.

I explained rather vehemently that nothing of the sort had ever happened, nor had ever it come close to happening.

And then a few nights ago at Martini Zoo I ran into a girl I used to work with 10 years ago; we hadn’t seen eachother for awhile.   Later she came to my table to say, “You went out with (Blunt)??”

I answered in the negative.

“Because he saw me talking to you, & when I said hello to him he said, ‘Oh, you know Lauren?   Yeah, I know her; I can’t go over there ‘cuz she’s my ex.   Yeah, she used to smoke a lot of weed with me.’   And I knew that couldn’t be right.”

Damn straight that can’t be right.

So let me list a few songs that don’t remind me of Mr. Blunt.

“Didn’t We Almost Have It All” Whitney Houston
“Almost Over You” Sheena Easton
“Nothing Compares To You” Sinèad O’Connor

I never went out with him. I never considered going out with him. I never held his hand, never kissed him on the lips, never thought about his legs. I charged him for his drinks.

So if he says it’s mine, it’s not. Someone else got him pregnant.

It wasn’t me.


2 responses to “Songs That Don’t Remind Me of Mr. Blunt.

  1. LOL!!!!!! Funny how stories get twisted. Hearing from you and information gathered by ….. are totally different. As Sergeant Schultz says “I know noootttthhhiiinnnng”

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