The Fricking Liquor Commission Server Training Class.

Warning: I’m a little grouchy today.   If you don’t mind a politically incorrect- nay, pretty offensive actually – rant, then read on.

 free-beer-bar-signIt’s at 8:30 in the morning.   Just another way that the State says “Die” to us income tax evaders.   Oh well.   I’m still not paying for some wet laundry-smelling, wife beating Micronesian dude’s beer.   I know, that was totally un-PC, but it’s also true & this is also my blog so screw you if you don’t like it.

The Hawaii State Liquor Commission Server Training is this 3 hour class you gotta take if you want your blue card.   So, all of us working-til-2-or-4am bartenders have to take it (yeah, just take it.).   Anyone with a brain will make a face of utter disgust & loathing when you mention this class to them, simply because it’s such a waste of time.   It’s really just punishment.   We make a lot of money, & first the Liquor Commission wants to make us suffer, at least once every 4 years, for it, while ensuring that when they bust us for their ludicrous alcohol-related rules (for instance, a bar can be fined if any customer within is drunk.) that they can say “we told you so.”   I’m amazed that they don’t make the class 8 hours long but maybe they can’t even take their own pedantic crap.

When this nonsense is held:    Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday 8:30am-11am.   Yeah – 8:30fuckyouam.   You don’t have to pre-register or anything; just show up.
Where to just show up:   The Liquor Commission is at 711 Kapiolani Boulevard, yet another little jab at those who possess normal human logic & reason because it’s not on Kapiolani Boulevard.   It’s on Cooke Street.   And it’s on the 6th floor.
Where you should park:    DO NOT park in the parking structure. It’s $6/hour & LC doesn’t validate.  On top of that the stalls are all Compact so there’s a high possibility that some asshole here to visit OHA is going to ding your door.   Park in the metered parking along the street. True, it’s only good for 1 hour & you can probably bet your firstborn that HPD will be there, waiting, but you’re allowed to step out of the Server Training at any time, without notice to go pay your meter. I’m not sure if you could take off to The Pancake House for 2 hours. If anyone does please let me know; that could be very good information.
What to bring: Make SURE you bring these items or you will have gotten out of bed at this ungodly hour for nothing & chances are you will not be equipped with a suicide bomb to blow that whole godforsaken building up & take all those fuckers with you.   So let’s try for the happy ending.

  • Your ID. And if you’re a bartender then you know what an ID is.   If you’re a bartender & you don’t, then get the hell out of my blog.
  • Your Social Security card. Yes, there is actually one single circumstance in your entire life experience for which you actually need to whip out your SS card, & this is it. Reconfirmed in 2016. Yeah, you need it.
  • Your TB clearance. Either that or your current, valid blue or yellow card. As of the class I’m at in July 2016, this is no longer needed.
  • The letter from the bar you work for. Ask your boss for it. Make sure your boss has included your establishment’s ID# on the letter for faster class registration.
  • $10.00.  Yes! Only $10.00! It makes you wonder what’s in the other hand, doesn’t it?

no-shirt-no-serviceWho has to take this class:   All blue cards gotta take it every 4 years.   If you are registering your blue card at a new place, you have to have taken it within the last 2 years or you have to take it again.   Yeah, they don’t tell you that.

My 1st card expires in 2010.   I paid $20 so that I could have both cards renewed (Hey, I took the class, right?) at the same time & so, barring a 3rd mixing job, I won’t have to go back until 2013, BITCHES.   By then they’ll probably change some rule so that I have something else to bitch about.

Something to remember:   After you get your perfect score on the 25-question, multiple choice test & pay your $10, you have to take a picture.   This is probably the most important part of the whole class to remember.   You’re not allowed to model with a cap on, so yeah – get up that extra 10 minutes (or 20 minutes, in my case – believe me, you don’t know my hair) & do your freaking ‘do.   Do your makeup.   Unless you’re a guy.   And be fucking NICE to the lady who takes your money because she is going to take your picture.   I only stress this picture taking crap because if your photo comes out all jacked up you have to pay another $10 to take another picture.

I’m not going to discuss the moronic, common knowledge crap they brought up in class.   Out of 25 questions there were 2 that I would not have known without attending the course at all, one of them being where you go if you get a Complaint & Summons (District Court) & where you go if you get… some other form, I forget what it was because I really, really don’t care.   It would say so on the form anyway, wouldn’t it?   I think someone just had difficulty coming up with questions 24 & 25.

All that said, I don’t think the Liquor Commission is all that bad.   Really, I don’t.   I think this class is FUCKING RETARDED, but to be honest there were some people in the class (the ESLs, mainly) that I think really actually needed it, along with a couple of white guys who were sucking the instructor’s dick so hard I was expecting them to need to go pee semen pretty soon.   The rest of us normal people just have to sit through it, like so many other crappy things life hands us.   Whatever.

Anyway, rock on, fellow bartenders, & may the force be with you, etc.   I hope my rant has been informative for you as well as purging for me.   Let me know if I missed anything so I can add it.


2 responses to “The Fricking Liquor Commission Server Training Class.

  1. When I was in college in Hilo, I worked at a mom-n-pops. Cigarettes and beer, mostly, but also the kinds of things any good mom-n-pops store has. It was cozy and I liked it and working there got me recognized when I was out and about. Being known by people is always a good thing in a town like Hilo.

    But yeah. I had to get a card. My manager handed me a photocopied booklet filled with all these laws and told me when and where to show up for the test. No class, though. Just a test. I said, “What if I fail?”

    My manager said, “What? Fail?”

    “Yeah. What happens if I don’t pass the test?”

    “Everybody passes the test.”

    “Okay, but what if I don’t?”

    “You will.”

    So I show up for the test and it’s in this large auditorium with maybe thirty guys and maybe two women. Two guys are there to administer it. They ask if anyone has any questions. Nobody does. They then say something like, “Just a reminder. When _____________ happens, you must always do ________.” They do this for maybe five things, so of course everyone knows they’ll be on the test.

    I take the test. It’s ridiculously easy. While we are all working, the guys proctoring the test are walking around behind us, checking out our answers. Every so often, one of the guys would say to someone, “Take a look at number twelve. If __________ then you can’t just ________, right? So what would be a better answer?”

    Yeah. That’s why nobody fails. I hurriedly finish mine because for some reason I want my score to be legit, with no help at all. Someone actually finishes before me (bastard!) but when he submits his test, the proctor looks it over and says, “Take another look at numbers 4 and 8, and the back of page three.” The guy takes his test back to his seat for further thought. I turn mine in, the guy looks it over, and I am dismissed with a perfect score.

    Honestly, I don’t even know why we have a liquor commission. Why can’t people just drink whatever they want whenever they want it? To some people who work weird hours (like you), 4 a.m. is everyone else’s 5:30 p.m., so why can’t THEY go somewhere to have a pau-hana Sam Adams? I don’t think it’s the government’s business to tell us what to drink or when to drink it. Or even where to drink it. The behaviors that these laws are meant to curtail are already illegal; punish people who break those laws, but don’t assume we’re all going to break them by prohibiting some behavior that THEY think might lead to it.

  2. We have a liquor commission because the government wouldn’t want bars to be able to keep more than 60% of their profits. The liquor rules have nothing to do with keeping people safe. It’s just revenue for the state.

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