So, here’s a tale of irony for ya: someone asked me to help them with a dating project!!
I thought it was pretty strange myself. I mean, that’s like asking a coke addict about needlepoint. Ok, bad example. It’s like hiring a Himalayan goatherder to design your web page.
So my friend texts me, asking if I can help him describe himself for an online dating site.
It took a little while to get an idea of the application format, which is apparently partly multiple choice & partly open description. I guess that’s cool, because multiple choice doesn’t tell you if a guy knows the difference between “your” & “you’re,” which, frankly, is kind of big in my mating choice making. No matter how hot, nice, or hot a guy is, if he texts me using the nonword “ur” it’s an immediate deal breaker. I might not even be able to look at him without sneering or shuddering afterward. True story there.
I have no idea how I would describe myself for something like that, but I assume that if it’s something that’s going to lead to possibly finding the person you’re going to love & be with for the rest of your life, then
1. You should probably be honest.
2. It should probably have something to do with you in a relationship.
So I emailed him back & asked him to tell me 5 things that he wanted in a relationship (easy), & 5 things that he could bring to the table himself (hard). I figured that was a good start, & we’d have something good to work with in 5 years when he came up with answers.
But he got back to me a few hours later.
I want her to be hot, not a bitch, not crazy, loyal, and smart.
I can offer my time, my body, my mind, packs on my bike, and a couple bux.
I don’t know where I heard this, but I understand that the self description portion of online dating is the toughest part. Kind of like how in Weight Watchers they tell you, on the first day, to go home & turn your TP roll such that it rolls in the opposite direction. This is their way of weeding out the people who are actually willing to change something in their lives if the program directs them to do it. And no, I wasn’t in Weight Watchers. I really just heard it. It might not even be true. Whatever.
The reason I asked my friend to list the 5 things he wants is so that I’d be able to get an idea of what direction he wanted to go with this project. When I asked him to list the 5 things he could offer to a relationship it was so I could see how he intended to get there. And also if he really, actually wanted a relationship.
I wrote back:
Horny, warm-blooded human guy with no ambition, interest in anything, or a car who just wants to meet a hot, nice, stupid chick. I would like to just spend lots of time together in my room, having sex, except for short breaks for bio & her going out to fetch me some food. I would get a dog but they’re too high maintenance.