I needed 2010.

Taking care of my grandparents wasn’t just a task or a responsibility; it was also a privilege.   But it did take its toll, & when 2010 came around I was pretty tired, & not just physically.   I couldn’t remember what it was like to have my own life; to have dreams & goals.   I honestly had forgotten.   I couldn’t remember the leisure of my own company.

I also had a little difficulty remembering what it felt like to be rested.   In 2010 I got my sleep back.   I got a decent handle on my insomnia & my frustrating Anxiety Sleepus Interruptus.   Part of this was aided by the occasional Xanax & regular visits to a psychotherapist; part of it was just time & giving myself time to feel safe with my eyes closed again.   Yet another part was defeating my caffeine addiction (probably the hardest of all).   I’ve managed to recover a somewhat normal approach to sleep again.   Now when I lay me down to sleep, I actually sleep.   December has been slightly different because I’ve got a puppy in housetraining here, but my internal sleep issues appear to have been resolved.   Hallelujah.   I’m allowed one (1) energy drink per week for recreational use & that’s it.

This year I gave up a friendship because I felt that it was less of a friendship than an addict-dealer type of relationship.   Friendship is serious business for me; it’s got to be real.   I won’t take less than real.   If it’s not real, I’m ok with letting it go.   Who knows, maybe things will come around again some other time.

I also renewed a friendship that had gone stale almost to the point of dissolution.   We’d drifted apart; we’d pursued interests in somewhat opposite directions.   I thought that was going to be the end of it since we no longer had anything in common, but when she said she felt I’d exited her life, I agreed & said that I didn’t think we fit into each other’s lives any more.   And somehow by acknowledging that we had fallen apart, we found that the common ground of wanting to keep being friends & being able to talk about it was somehow enough to put us back together.   In spite of having pretty much nothing in common any more we still have a lot to talk about.   Kind of a miracle, if you ask me.   I have things to be grateful about all the time.

I started playing guitar again this year after over a decade of being too scared to put myself out there.   Not only did I start playing again, but I started doing it on a stage.   I stopped caring whether or not I was good enough just long enough to actually take a step.   The 2nd step was a lot easier.   The 3rd step was even better.   I have a good feeling about this.

This year I acquired a copy of the Oingo Boingo Farewell Tour dvd.   Big.   Very big.   I have tears in my eyes.

This year I caught up with my age.   Maybe not behavioral maturity wise & certainly not career wise, but in perspective.   I’m 39.   In a few more months I’ll be 40.   I was always scared of getting this old, although now that I’m here I can see that “old” is a bit elusive.   Something of a mirage.   While I certainly have moments when I feel “old,” it’s all relative.   Since my last, rather critical, rather status conscious relationship, I’ve had a disapproving voice in the back of my head constantly whining about my career (or lack of one) & my various pastimes relative to my chronological age.   I’m still such a kid.   Who would ever want to plan a future with someone as growth stunted as myself, right?

Then I remember: I’m not on that plan any more.   That doesn’t mean I don’t have a plan; just not that one.   For the last few years that voice almost had me convinced that it was that plan or the highway (I know; it doesn’t rhyme).   Well, I’m hittin’ the road, suckas.   This blog is entitled The Long Way Home for a reason.

See you in 2011.


One response to “2010

  1. It’s okay… you’re not the only one feeling a little “growth stunted” :) I think everyone who chooses the highway life feels like this. I mean I’d like a significant other to add a little closeness and intimacy to the equation… Other than that… as long as you’re well grounded and happy doing what you do and living the way you do… I say there’s no reason to be tempted to look on the other side of the fence… Greatest thing about being on the highway life is there’s no rails… you don’t ride the roller coaster, you just go with the flow. :)

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