While trying to pay my Oceanic bill, I was balked by a security warning saying that the site’s certificate was expired & that I shouldn’t proceed since if I did, rabid, slime covered marsupials might be spontaneously generated out of my video card (I’ve got an GTX 660 in there. Superclocked.) & stream out of the generous exhaust holes on my case (It’s a full sized case. They’re big.) & eat the Jack Skellington bobblehead I have on my desk serving as my internet muse & general moral support as well as getting slime all over everything. Also, my video card would cease to work. Or it said something like that. It was all in red. Whatever.
Anyway, I enlisted the help of TWC chat support, which is toted on their website as being “the fastest way to reach” them. I entered my information, & my question: “I’m trying to pay my bill at your site but it says the certificate is expired. Can I just go ahead anyway or should I try again tomorrow?”
I was first assisted by Benjamin Gray, who informed me that “internet browser technical support,” which was the department I’d chosen, was not the right department. I was then helped by Abraham (no last name; a lot of the biblical dudes don’t have those), who was unable to locate my account even after asking me to go search through my physical files for the single Oceanic Cable statement which I received years ago before switching to paperless statements for my account number (Fortunately I have it written down somewhere for an event such as this. My God, I love myself). This was because Abraham was in charge of accounts in New York, not Hawaii.
I was then given to Loretta (no last name again… I can’t seem to find anything funny to say about her name; sorry), who informed me that I needed to make the clock on my computer current. I informed her that the time on my computer was current. I checked. Yep, current. She asked if I would like to be transferred to someone who would help me “get it done.”
“Get what done?” I asked. Get my clock current? I just said it was already current. She then said that my case would have to be “escalated” to NHD Residential Chat Support right away.
I was then escalated to Brian Creed, who asked me to try accessing my bill using a different browser. I did, & got the same warning about the lemmings. He then “escalated” me to another analyst.
This analyst’s name was Ian. I have a friend named Ian who is on the Geek Squad at Best Buy & is always posting shit on Facebook indicative of his compulsive tendency to think too hard about everything. Also, I just saw Ian at dinner last night & he has a cool bike. Anyway, here are highlights from the rest of the chat.
Ian apparently was not forwarded any of the information given earlier… or maybe none of them were, & that explains a lot. But anyway, he was able to help. Finally.
Simple fucking question, simple fucking answer. Now, mind you, this was done with actually less complexity than Ian-that-I-know probably would have answered with, but it was good enough for me.
And one more screenshot. Only a few of you will get this. Just like only a few of you are pointing out that lemmings are not marsupials.