On Friendship… & Men

Sanada HiroyukiI’m not a crushy kind of girl (unless you count Sanada Hiroyuki).  I don’t spot guys particularly often; most times I’m very myopic in my social interactions & don’t even notice the hottie standing right next to my friend.   It’s mating nearsightedness.

However, if a girlfriend even expresses a mere visual interest in a present male, I then experience mating blindness.   If one of my girls says a guy is cute, suddenly he’s invisible to me.   I can’t see him.   Or, I can see him just enough to avoid walking into him & that’s about it.   I’m all for getting along with boyfriends/husbands of friends, but if there’s even a notion of one of my girlfriends giving chase to a free agent, in my eyes his availability is already forgotten – he’s hers, regardless of whether or not she actually catches him.

They don’t even have to be close girlfriends.   They can be just casual girlfriends that I get a drink with from time to time.   With all of these girlfriends, my ability to view a guy is immediately impaired if they express even mild interest in him.

I view this as loyalty.   Also practicality.   Also that random guys are not as important to me as friendships.   Guys have “bros before hos;” I have… well, I have nothing that rhymes quite as well.   You know what I mean though.

In spite of being socially myopic, I observe a lot of people.   Recently I’ve been watching a group of girls who seem like really good friends.    One of the girls is a bit of a newcomer to the group, as the other 3 seem to have known each other all their lives, but they seem to all get along wonderfully.   The new girl has a boyfriend, but they’re not the kind of couple that’s joined at the hip.   They both often have separate social forays.   However, as far as I can see, they are deeply in love.   Just both pretty independent.   Both are regularly hit on by those who don’t know they are in a relationship; neither are prone to jealousy & they seem fairly secure.

He has hung out with the girlfriends, without his girlfriend, due to simply running into them at a common venue, but since then one of her girlfriends fairly regularly invites him out, without inviting the new girl.   Naturally I’m only observing this, but it just feels weird to me.   It’s one thing to run into each other, but for the friend to start calling her friend’s boyfriend out to places seems a little aggressive, maybe even suspicious.   And my personal opinion, from watching, is that there is some kind of interest on the inviting girl’s part, even if only for attention.

So here’s what I’m wondering about.   Is that a betrayal of friendship?   Or is that simply an acceptable “friend” behavior that I can’t relate to?   Am I aberrant for thinking this is weird?   I’d love to see some discussion on this.   Anyone?

Update: thanks everyone for your replies!   I guess there are a lot of factors to consider, & the different perspectives here make it a much more dimensional story than what it was when I started off, which makes the whole thing much more interesting for me to continue observing.   Great responses; you guys rock.  =)


20 responses to “On Friendship… & Men

  1. Well, I guess it depends on the couple, and how open & honest they are with each other. If one of them is not exactly forthright with their intentions and the other one finds out later, this will cause all kinds of problems with their relationship, AND problems with that group of friends. As far as the girl who’s inviting the boyfriend and not the girlfriend, I find that extremely odd and suspect some hidden motivations, so yes, I would say that would be considered a betrayal of friendship. Maybe the girl who’s doing the inviting is looking for drama?? Who knows… definitely weird behavior to say the least.

  2. I know him as Henry Sanada – but yes. HOT. Still HOT.

    It’s complicated. And not. IMO – if they were really friends (or even friendly acquaintances) this seems like a major breach of girl code. Chicks before di*ks? I’m assuming the boyfriend did not know them prior – or that it is not readily assumed that the girl is automatically part of the invite.

    If I were the girl, I would stop associating with those “friends” other that being friendly (you know me) and I would let the boyfriend know how I feel. Plays for attention get old when there’s no response. It shouldn’t be a “move on bitch, he’s mine) – it should be “move on bitch, I’m taken). Just saying.

    • I think Jenn hit the nail on the head when she said “it’s complicated. and not.” And I thought about that response from the boyfriend…and I wondered if the intention was like Dex said…to make drama. It almost seems like the girl is trying to make dramas between boyfriend/new girl. Fishy, indeed.

  3. Interesting situation. I’d say that if the “other girl” calling the new girl’s BF to go out is a new behavior, it’s a little suspect, perhaps bordering on rude. However, if the other girl and the BF were friends before and there is an established history of calls to go out, then I’d be more likely to deem it acceptable behavior.

    One must also take other factors into consideration, though. For example, the personality of the other girl. Is this something that she does all the time? Another question that comes to mind is: does she have a significant other? If she does, the chances of ill intent on her part decrease. They go down even further if that significant other is present at these outings. Are these outing taking place at locations that the new girl has made clear she dislikes? In that case, the lack of invite might be understandable (even though in my view, an invitation should still be extended.)

    Then of course, the question must be asked as to whether or not the invitation for the new girl was given to the BF but not passed on, in which case the situation changes entirely. Now the source of suspect behavior is shifted.

    As I said, very interesting scenario with lots of variables to consider.

  4. Hmmm…iiiiinteresting. This is actually a really hard one. One important variable for me is whether or not the inviter-girl knows that the new girl/guy are together. Another important variable is whether or not it’s typical for the inviter-girl to have platonic dude friends. Wait. No. I think the main issue is whether inviter-girl knows about the relationship. I want to look at this assuming the inviter-girl KNOWS about the relationship.

    Despite the new girl/guy not being “joined at the hip” or the fact that they do their own social stuff, it sounds like the guy’s connection to the girl group is his girlfriend — the new girl. Since new girl is the link, then it would be natural that she gets invited (unless she’s working, or doing her own social thing that night?). But even if she’s working or doing her own social thing that night, the other girls/inviter girl should at least extend a courtesy invitation. At least the courtesy invitation would keep everything on the up and up because the subtext would be “hey, I know you’re doing your own thing tonight, but your bf is just as fun as you, and we’d love to hang out with him if you don’t mind…”

    Let’s see…when they invite boyfriend out, are they going someplace girlfriend HATES? Let’s use Earth, Wind, and Fire for example (since they just played last night). If the girls have an extra ticket, and they know that the new girl HAAAATES disco soul, but boyfriend loves it. I can imagine the girls might invite boyfriend along. BUUUUT the natural thing would be to touch base with the new girl. It’s not about asking permission or acting like boyfriend is a child or puppy dog. It’s about respecting the relationship between new girl/boyfriend. If they care about new girl’s feelings, they would want to make darn sure she doesn’t misinterpret their intentions. Does the girl group think of the boyfriend as just “one of the girls?” Is that the reason why they love hanging out with him? If so, and they are inviting him out when they already know the new-girl is busy/working/whatever, that could be innocuous. But still, if it were me, I think I’d still shoot over a courtesy text or fb post like “hey new girl! we’re stealing your boyfriend tonight for dinner, hope to catch up with you later!” Just SOMETHING to acknowledge new girl’s feelings.

    There’s something that just doesn’t click about this scenario. I guess I’m suspicious…why do they want the new girl’s boyfriend around so much (without the new girl?) I mean, I want to look at this from the scenario where the inviter-girl is NOT attracted to the boyfriend…and it doesn’t make sense. It would make sense if the new girl was working or busy on the nights that her boyfriend is invited out. But I can’t make any sense of this if the boyfriend is invited out and the new girl is just sitting at home. The only explanations that make sense are 1) she’s interested in the boyfriend, thinks the relationship is vulnerable, and wants to be there to grab him when he becomes single; or 2) inviter-girl prefers the boyfriend’s company over the new girl’s company, and doesn’t give a shit that she’s being rude.

    What does the boyfriend say about all this? Is he oblivious? Does he have any insight on the inviter-girl’s intentions?

    Ugh, the more I think about this the more I don’t like it. What is inviter-girl thinking? Why does she think this is okay? Also…how can she NOT think this might cause tension between boyfriend/new girl? Unless that’s what she’s trying to do…

    At the onset, I commented that there were important variables…but now that I’ve been thinking through this, now it seems like there is a minefield of variables.

  5. IMO, if the inviting girl is inviting the boyfriend while intentionally NOT inviting his girlfriend, this would seem suspicious to me. On the other hand, if both were invited but the girlfriend was unavailable, I suppose that is acceptable. Although, it still sits a bit weird with me… as I cannot imagine my husband going out with my girlfriends without me if I was unavailable.

  6. I think it’s absolutely wrong. I would be offended and hurt to know that my “friend” Is inviting out my “boyfriend” to somewhere I wasn’t invited to. I mean really???? It’s all seems fishy to me. I know she could be extending a “good intension” gesture, but I strongly feel that it’s pushing it a little too far in my books. But then again I am the jealous type due to my past relationships so, I don’t quite give much credit to anyone these days. So I might be considered a bias opinion on this situation. Only now am I slowly learning to change my way of thinking…….SLOWLY.

  7. Her intentions sounds very suspicious to me; and I would be wondering on her motives. If I was the new girl, I would feel betrayal of friendship to be excluded from the invites especially when the group knows that we are a couple.

  8. I think it depends on the boyfriend and girlfriend. If you know that the other person is the only one for you, then you get relationship blindness and other people become genderless. On the other hand it’s up to the couple on what boundaries they place for this situation.

    I like hanging out with dudes more than women just for the fact that we have more in common. Doesn’t mean I’m after the guy.

    So if the girlfriend is irritated by this, then yes it is over stepping and a betrayal of friendship. Who knows maybe they’ve already had a discussion on whether asking her boyfriend out alone is ok with her. But if not then I think it’s ok. Sometimes you prefer someone’s company over someone else’s, even if it happens to be if the opposite sex.

  9. I meant in the last paragraph that if she is not irritated then it should be ok. But at the same time she has the right to change her mind. ;)

  10. I think it’s wrong. Whether we know the whole scenario or not. He is in a committed relationship with their friend… respect that and back off. The girl doing the inviting seems to be either wanting to cause drama or is interested in him which in both cases is fail. The new girl should find new friends.

  11. I think it depends on whether the girl inviting the guy out has been friends with him for a while or if she knows him through the “new girl”. If they were not friends before the new girl joined the group of friends, then she is most likely pursuing him.

  12. If there was never any statement made to those girls that the two were together, then everything is fair. Its up to that guy to make the decision to decline or handle the situation differently. At some point, the girl inviting the guy out well get more serious. Then we get to see how the relationships fall out.

  13. Ultimately, it sounds like a great plot for a future Kdrama. This girl obviously doesn’t have any type of boundaries or respect for her friend. Epic fail in the girl code department.

  14. Without reading comments above, I’ll say this: It takes two to tango. So while the girl is violating the girl “bro code” as you would put it, he isn’t helping the situation by accepting those invitations and showing up. So he may be interested and she is probably interested. As long as there isn’t a ring on anyone’s fingers, all is fair, but that girl is looking pretty damn douchey no matter how this plays out. Is it a friendship violation? Not until something physical happens. But the way you’re making it sound it may already have.

  15. Nothing to add that hasn’t been said, other than If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck…

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