Step One. Encounter moth. Can tell it is sphingidae. No, I never studied entomology. My BA is in English. But I know what sphingidae look like because I grew up being told that Ascalapha Odorata (Black Witch Moth) is a “hawk moth,” but it’s actually Noctuidaea, “owl moths.” Yeah, this all in Step One.
Step Two. Capture moth & release outside, but not before snapping a few pictures. It was rainy & windy, so I apologize, moth, but… you can’t stay on my bed. I need to go to sleep.
Step Three. Spend 2 hours past bed time Googling images to try to identify recent visitor. Give up, feeling painfully unfulfilled, at 9am.
Step Three A (optional): Wake at noon because my dad decided it was a good time to come over & do yardwork (he’s my landlord) even though I’ve told him multiple times that I have to work on this night of the week but apparently he can’t remember that any more than all the times I asked him not to smoke his mfing pipe at my house because it messes up my sinuses. Go to work angry, tired, & sleep deprived. (This step totally fucking optional)
As mentioned in a previous post, I started Wellbutrin in May, & in addition to not wanting to stab myself with a knife any more, I’ve also found the motivation to diet. Nothing drastic; just keeping a food diary & trying to keep myself to <1200 calories & ~80g carbs per day. I’ve had friends scoff that 80g is a lot, but screw you guys. 80g is like… well, let’s say I only make it half of the time. Love my carbs!
That said, I’ve lost 18 lbs. So far. But what I want to talk about is people’s reactions to my now noticeably slimmer figure. The women’s reactions are always initially positive, but I sense a slight withdrawal. I know one girlfriend has insecurities about her boyfriend (a long time ago, before he met her, I once – ONCE! – flirted with him, but no further than that), & it could be her afraid he might look, or actually just him being afraid she might catch him looking so maybe he’s avoiding me, but they’ve disappeared. He’s completely devoted to her, & I’m completely devoted to my guy, but I don’t think it’s that. I think it’s a subconscious reminder of the weight she’s gained since she met him (I know, because I was there!). And if he so much as glanced at me, even for nothing at all, she’d feel that. Girls internalize things. So sure, I can see other girls internalizing changes in me. Can’t be helped. Girl Thing.
There’s a stigma. Totally unexpected. It shows itself in more obvious ways as well.