Weight Loss Stigma

before afterAs mentioned in a previous post, I started Wellbutrin in May, & in addition to not wanting to stab myself with a knife any more, I’ve also found the motivation to diet. Nothing drastic; just keeping a food diary & trying to keep myself to <1200 calories & ~80g carbs per day. I’ve had friends scoff that 80g is a lot, but screw you guys. 80g is like… well, let’s say I only make it half of the time. Love my carbs!

That said, I’ve lost 18 lbs. So far. But what I want to talk about is people’s reactions to my now noticeably slimmer figure. The women’s reactions are always initially positive, but I sense a slight withdrawal. I know one girlfriend has insecurities about her boyfriend (a long time ago, before he met her, I once – ONCE! – flirted with him, but no further than that), & it could be her afraid he might look, or actually just him being afraid she might catch him looking so maybe he’s avoiding me, but they’ve disappeared. He’s completely devoted to her, & I’m completely devoted to my guy, but I don’t think it’s that. I think it’s a subconscious reminder of the weight she’s gained since she met him (I know, because I was there!). And if he so much as glanced at me, even for nothing at all, she’d feel that. Girls internalize things. So sure, I can see other girls internalizing changes in me. Can’t be helped. Girl Thing.

There’s a stigma. Totally unexpected. It shows itself in more obvious ways as well.

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Psychopath Stories: The Diamond Ring

0I’ve had to tell this story so many times I’m going to write it down. A long time ago I had a girlfriend with Borderline Personality Disorder. We didn’t know that at the time, & I had been with her through thick & thin (see Lives), held her hand in high school through abortions, moved her in with me & rehabbed her from her ruined junkie life… we’d been friends for over a decade. She was a great friend, unless you counted the times she told her cop boyfriend she was at my house when she was actually out with her other cop boyfriend, or if I had to stand there & fret while she talked to one cop boyfriend on Line 1 of my fiance’s business phone (we’d given her a job) while she had the other cop boyfriend on Line 2. Or when the nice cop boyfriend showed up alone at my workplace to ask me if he was being played. And I couldn’t tell him because I was loyal to her. Or when all the girls at work gathered together & told the manager they refused to work with her (I’d gotten her a job with me since she’d gotten fired from her retail job), so I said to put her on my shifts. And then she’d spend up to 2 hours outside talking on her phone. While clocked in. And I worked for 2.

Good friends don’t make you do shit like that.

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A Better Friend Than Me

Leisa CollinsI had a long talk tonight with a grieving girlfriend whose bestie just committed suicide. They’d been distant over the last few months, not because of her, but because he was going through a hard time & it made him act like a jerk, & he was the worst to the ones closest to him. She was hurt, resentful, doubted their friendship, but she never really gave up on him. She gave him the distance he seemed to want, not sure how much friending he wanted from her.

Before he did himself in, he wrote her a letter. The cops confiscated it & she’s still never gotten to read it, but I can guess what he wanted to say to her. He also sent her a scheduled text, written while alive but arriving days after his death, which, understandably, freaked her out. The text contained instructions – the kind you give to the person you trust most in the world. Clear my browsing history. Throw out the entire contents of my bedside drawer. You know.

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oThere are people in my life who are not going to like that I’m talking about this, but after an hour of Googling, I’ve been unable to to find sufficient information regarding the continuation of Wellbutrin/bupropion in spite of hives. Wellbutrin is an antidepressant (that’s right; I’ve just started antidepressants) & the only one in its class. It’s a norepinephrine/dopamine reuptake inhibitor – meaning it raises the average levels of norepinephrine & dopamine (that’s right, the good stuff) in your body.

I’m currently on Day 10. My therapist suggested I try antidepressants after I talked to her about a few “bad spells” I had this year. I had disproportionate reactions to disappointments – friends flaking out on a project, a vacation to Fenway Park canceled, family drama that didn’t even involve me directly. I’d be paralyzed by despair, my productivity severely impacted, & well… even as I thought to myself, “This is ridiculous!” I was still stuck in my chair, weeping, feeling utterly hopeless & unmotivated to do anything. Depression & anxiety runs in my family, & I didn’t have the most nurturing childhood, so, here I am. I’m not ashamed of it like certain people around me think I should be & I’m perfectly fine talking about it. Too bad. It is what it is. Deal with it.

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Saving Grace: Lauren’s Delayed Reaction

GraceI saw Saving Grace awhile back, when it first came out on DVD (I don’t have tv so I see everything afterward).   Loved it, was saddened by the finale, which was obviously crippled by a network greed storyus interruptus, forcing the writers to shoot their load all at once, quite sloppily & with great – I get the feeling – despair.   Just finished watching it again on Netflix (thank you, Netflix; I like you a lot).   Still just as annoyed with the ending.

It’s important to remember that this series was about a soul headed for Hell redeeming herself, & that her final choice to sacrifice herself accomplished that.   It’s just the lack of build up & the plethora (yes, I used that word) of loose ends that have got everyone frustrated.

I’ve read posts by viewers who feel Hut Flanders’ “death” is irrelevant; I’m undecided. For those wondering how an explosion would kill him if bullets did not, IMO it took an act of good to kill him, rather than an act of malice: the bullets were just Grace having a little fun… I think we all enjoyed it at least a little.   But her denial of Flanders’ deal, giving up herself – that was an altruistic, if defiant, act of good.

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