Back in 2017 I started Wellbutrin & you can find the post for that if you scroll down a bit. Since then I’ve been pretty good, but then Covid-19 hit (2020). I was ok at first, but by the 2nd time the Hawaii government shut businesses down (fuck you, Kirk Caldwell, you idiot), I asked my doctor to increase my Wellbutrin dosage from 150 to 300mg. There are only 2 dosages so 300 is the max. It helped. And getting a new mayor who actually cares about Hawaii businesses also helped.
Since then, the instance of greatest stress inducing impact has been my new housemates. I agreed to 2 of them, but not the 3rd, & that 3rd has been passive-aggressively antagonizing me (& the entire neighborhood… it’s so embarassing) from the start. I love the abovementioned 2, but basically they come as a package, so it is, for lack of a better description, a fucked up situation. It’s complicated.
But on to the fun stuff. A few weeks ago, I contacted my therapist to schedule an appointment, which we then had a few days ago. At the start of the video call, I found myself at a loss for words. I couldn’t remember why I’d made the appointment. So I basically pulled a bunch of general depression stuff out of my butt & frankly she looked just as puzzled as I felt. I basically just wasted an hour of her time almost just making shit up. I felt bad.
I did remember that I was having days I didn’t want to get out of bed. My relationship has been a little wonky because I think he’s depressed too (we both work in industries that have been dry fucked HARD by our government & DoH), & my dog is in what will probably be her last year or so. I did apply for a handful of jobs I found online but no bites, & frankly I just want to live in the Now right now with Madeline, because, well… Madeline is here with me in the Now & I want to make the most of all the Nows we have left. I’m not planning to get another pet after she goes because I gotta buckle in & figure out how to survive in Hawaii so that I can hopefully soon get out of this corrupt sinkhole.
So yeah, it’s a crappy time for most of us here. I mean, we’re the state that allowed Mazie Hirono into office & that alone should depress the fuck out of every single one of us.
Anyway, 2 days after wasting an hour of my therapist’s time, I experienced what it was that had made me schedule that appointment with her. I’d been restless all day, but unmotivated. The lack of motivation has become a norm because of the hostile atmosphere in my house, but usually I can find things to occupy my mind. This time I couldn’t. I sat here at my desk, frozen. And then, like drunk memory, I remembered previous episodes like this where I wasn’t in agony, but just numb. Disconnected. Not me. I didn’t want to be awake but sleep didn’t sound good either, not even as an escape. I noticed I was crying, but I didn’t necessarily feel sad. I decided to email my therapist:
<My therapist’s name> when we had our appointment I actually couldn’t remember how I felt when I requested the appointment. It was like I was telling you something that had happened to someone else. Right now I’m pretty miserable & confused. I’m not motivated by anything; nothing looks good to me. I feel defeated. All day I tried to entice myself to want to do something & I could remember I’d enjoyed this or that, but I just didn’t want to do anything. Right now I don’t want to sleep but I don’t like being awake either.
Some days I don’t feel like I love <my boyfriend>. Sometimes I don’t even feel like I love my mom, & that’s just insane. It’s not every day, but it’s happened multiple times. It’s usually ok the next day & then it’s like when you say, “I have no idea what I was thinking” but in this case it’s literal. Right now I know I love them & I just can’t feel it. I just have to make it to tomorrow & I’ll probably feel dumb for telling you this; Tomorrow Me doesn’t believe Tonight Me, but I’m Tonight Me right now & this is honestly how I feel. lol
Did I tell you this before? I feel like I did. I might have told someone else.
I think it’s situational & I think I just need to get through this period of stasis where I am waiting for Madeline to die. Her imminent passing is probably part of what’s messing me up as well. I guess I’d like if you could include this in your records just in case. Thank you.
My therapist emailed me back immediately (at 4:40am… I’m a horrible human being) saying we need to talk about this & booked me for another appointment the following day. We just got done with that & I don’t know how helpful I was because I’m the abovementioned Tomorrow Me right now. I did express that I don’t want more pills, because I know this condition is a result of situational dysfunction (my 3rd housemate, living in a hostile environment & never knowing what fucked up surprise is around the corner), but she said I might have to. I don’t know. Frankly I think if someone could just slip me some untraceable poison I could fix a whole lot of this, but no… I believe in being the better person.
Anyway, much like my earlier therapy session I don’t know if I provided much value here. I find this new dissociative thing just very weird & interesting. I know when I’m Me & when I’m Not Me (the Not Me doesn’t love my boyfriend or my mom), so I’m actually not that worried. I’m not having a psychotic break or developing another (separate) personality. But it’s weird! I actually Googled “dissassociative disorder” (yes, that is how I spelled it) & that caused me a little worry for a few minutes. But I know what’s real. I know when my outlook is not real. I think I know when not to make any decisions about anything.
I have to figure out how to explain this to my boyfriend just in case.
I’ll definitely post again if I end up institutionalized.
The Long Way Home 